Tears

I had my grieving dreams last night.

On a beach unlike any I've ever seen. Lots of driftwood. I was there with my mother and we were desperately trying to pack up a room and move out of the beach house. The grief seemed distant and yet so raw, and we were both avoiding it until it blew up. Someone we loved fiercely had died. I'm not even going to write down who here because it was so horrible and I can't bear to think about it in the daylight hours. Somehow in the dream I ended up crawling across this beach, so stricken with sadness that normal balance was not possible. In the dream, I sobbed and wailed for what seemed like hours. Every time I tried to redirect myself, I was bowled over again. As I entered the door to the beach house, I knew that I would never stop crying ever again. How could I? And then I realized that my mother was in more pain than I could ever imagine. And so I cried even harder. When I finally woke up, dry-eyed and shaken, I felt this insane sense of relief. I usually know that dreams are not real, but in my crying dreams, I cannot see past the cloud of grief.

I know this probably sounds like a horrifying nightmare, but it really isn't. I can't cry like that when I am awake. To do so in my dreams feels oddly satisfying, maybe even good. It hurts, but the lack of control is almost exhilarating. I've had these dreams for many years, even before I had encountered grief and loss in my waking life. They are rare, but poignant. I am usually not that shaken by them, unless, as in this one, the death is someone I do love and care for in real life and not a vague or created figure. I don't even think that these dreams are a sign of distress or tension in my waking life. They just...exist. They allow a kind of release that I don't often get.

New smells

It’s funny how when you move to a new place, every time you step out your door it feels like some grand excursion, including that panicked feeling right before you close the door to your building (Do I have my keys, my wallet, my money, my phone, my bus pass, my whatever) as if you might never find your way back. And every small errand leaves you weary of mind and muscle and sore of foot. Somehow I manage to become drenched in sweat even though it is so cool and breezy outside. And you never realize how little walking you do living in a rural area with a car until you move to a city without one.

I’ve only been here for two days now, but I am slowly navigating this neighborhood. I seem chronically unsure of biking etiquette. My fat tires do not go as fast as the skinny road bike tires, so I feel bad being in the middle of the lane, but I don’t want to get run off the road by crazy cab drivers. I also don’t know exactly what to do about one lane roads. They go right to all the places I want to go, but I always seem to be on the wrong side. And I also see tons of people biking on the sidewalk, which I thought was not allowed. Is it rude or understandable. In general, I would be happier if I had my helmet which somehow was left behind in SC.

Anyway, I am more or less settled in aside from a small stack on unsorted clothes. I even made my bed today to make the room more aesthetically pleasing. My roommates and I are beginning to shed layers and sort out logistical stuff. Now that I have made the move unscathed, I am ready to begin what I cam here to do. Being here gives me the confidence boost I need. I feel a need to prove myself, that thirst that got me through Bard in three years and saw me to the end of some difficult papers. I’m a little tired of the nervous social energy in learning the lay of the social landscape. Some lessons so far.

1.) Being poor and coming from no money is NOT status quo here, and it makes people of means uncomfortable when people without means talk about money.

2.) Fuck is in vogue. Shit is decidedly out of vogue. Sonofabitch is probably out of the question.

3.) Leg cuffs are getting smaller. Most people are not having an existential crisis about it.

4.) Graduate school dinner parties are actually kind of expensive, because generally it is good manners to bring something (apparently) usually wine. And Yellow Tail probably would raise eyebrows.

5.) I need a new bike lock. A mean looking chain with a teeny u-lock. Or so says Mr. So and So at the bike store.

Some new smells:

1) My new bathroom, not mildewy, but strangely other.

2) New coffee, mediocre at $8.50 a pound.

3) Peppermint and Tea Tree together....not a new smell, but one I haven't smelled since I left Bard nursery school.

4) Foreign-smelling honey, grown in Kansas where people are batshitcrazy.

5) The most amazingly sweet apple I've ever had.