Grrr...

I had a bad week. I guess it just started off rotten. Leah told me about Jarod which really knocked me flat even though I almost knew before she ever came. But worse was that I couldn't feel the pain of his death the way I thought I needed to. I had a few moments of release, but mostly I just felt cold and numb, like I was in an over air-conditioned room trying to sleep with nothing but a sheet to cover me up...restless and grouchy. It was much easier to feel with Leah beside me, partly because I feel the loss most strongly because of her place within it. And then my other life just came pouring back in. J and D called me at the train station and wanted me to come babysit because her parents had surprised them. And I've been irritated with them since. But I've always gotten like this with the people around me when I'm dealing with a loss...like I just want to throttle them and yell "would you stop complaining about the way your wine glass cabinets are designed and open your fucking eyes!" And S has been teething and cranky all week, and somewhere in the back of my mind I just wish that she'd show some sensitivity to my state of mind...which is ridiculous. Whenever I get frustrated with S and feel incompetent, it is never really about her, but about something her parents have done. I can totally deal with a cranky baby in a great way. Put when her parents are being obnoxious or unsupportive or distracted, I get irritated with their stuff and have a harder time handling S's more understandable troubles. (Don't worry...they can't read this...I did a google search and my blog doesn't come up in any obvious searches.) Something that has really gotten to me this week is the way that they hate to be at all inconvenienced or annoyed by S. Several times when S has been in the least bit cranky (she's usually angelic) during the two hours that they are up with her in the morning, they refuse to just deal. They'll just say "she's really tired," give her a bottle and plop her down in the crib to scream herself into exhaustion. I think parenting for normal people is not "perfectly enchanting" at least 50% of the time. Let's say for our average person, parenting is 10% perfectly enchanting, 30% banal, 30% tiring (in positive and negative ways), and 30% frustrating. Well, since these people have a full-time nanny (me), and confessed (only partially in just) that "we don't change our lifestyle for S," they expect parenting to be at least 70% perfectly enchanting, and once they've put up with the 30% other, they just can't handle it. I mean, S isn't exhausted and cranky 2 hours after her 12 hour sleep! She's just a normal baby who isn't totally wonderful and angelic 24/7. You can't just plop her down in a crib and let her wail pitifully just because you are bored. Whenever this happens, she's totally shaken up for the rest of the day, even if I sneak in after her parents leave and calm her down and put her to sleep properly. It DRIVES ME CRAZY!! Rant over. Well not quite. They've also asked me to babysit tonight in addition to last night, the excuse being that her parents are still in town (don't they have lives). J committed the most obnoxious sin yesterday when she read the slight annoyance on my face (open book), and said "Thanks for being so flexible with us, Maura." There is nothing I hate more than being thanked for something I didn't willingly give. Remember those teachers who would say (in sweet voices) "Thank you for being quiet" when everybody was loud. Oooo, I hated that.
Oh and the other thing (now that I'm on a roll) is her her parents. They have been here for the better part of a week and have spent less than 5 hours with S total. I mean, what is the point? They live 1000 miles away, but they don't bother to spend quality time with their only daughter's child when they are in the same city. They've been doing the whole socialite thing, visiting museums and going to parties. I mean, if I was living a thousand miles away and had a baby and my parents came to visit me for a week and didn't find it necessary to actually get to see my baby, I'd be heartbroken. Not that that would ever happen. In my case, I'd probably have to whine and fuss just to get to hold my own baby. They were the same way in aspen...only affectionate if it was convenient or there was nothing better to do. I guess it makes sense that J would be similar.
Okay, now I'm really done.
I'm off to go enjoy my weekend (what's left of it after I've slept most of the day away.

Crickey ;c(

Steve Irwin died yesterday. That sweet, loud, passionate Aussie who we all knew was off his rocker. We all knew that a croc was going to gobble up his head one of these days, but instead he died when a large sting ray pierced his heart, something so rare and unlikely that we can't even say he had it coming. As someone who has become slightly addicted to Animal Planet, I'm really going to miss him. Maybe his spirit will find a crocodile to inhabit.

Boudoir

All of my pictures look like boudoir shots, and well, they are. I think I am developing a narcissistic (sp?) thing. I just can't stop taking pictures of myself. I'm currently trying to copy The Half-Blood Prince on to my computer (my old one, not this one) so that I put it onto my ipod. So far I have 5 disks (out of 17) because it is so incredibly slow. I haven't taken my computer into the shop because, as luck would have it, it hasn't frozen up since I talked to the Apple guy. I've had a dull labor day weekend. All my friends that were in the city are now back at Bard, and my one friend in the city has family in town. So I've done pretty much nothing. There aren't even any movies I want to see. I went shopping today. I went all the way out to the Target in Brooklyn and then didn't actually get anything. AND I accidently exited the subway when making my transfer, so I had to pay twice to get there. I then made the rounds of cheap places in NY, only having luck at Old Navy where I got three nice looking fall shirts (50%off) and tanks to go under them, only to find out when I got home that one of the shirts was not the size I thought it was. Grrr. So I'll have to take it back maybe tomorrow before they are all gone.
I had a funny little interlude in the checkout line at Guitar Center. I bought some picks and a string winder thingy, and then I dropped a ten dollar bill into a poster box that was subdivided into little not-hand-sized slots. So the guy at the register stuck the gum that was in his mouth onto a rolled up poster and retrieved my money. I was so impressed. I mean, what good quick thinking. So we laughed a bunch and talked a little about music (he plays mandolin) and he gave me his number (in a totally non-creepy way). So who knows, maybe I'll add to my very short list of friends. I went to Burlington Coat Factory and tried to find a rain/fall jacket with no luck. All I could find were these big puffy winter coats that I DON'T need...yet, at least. I will need one, perhaps. I'm afraid I wouldn't be very NYC sheik walking down Park Ave in my big red coat with my name embroidered on it, and my big furry bear coat won't fair much better. I did buy batteries today for all the things in my life that need batteries (one unmentionable thing in particular). So all in all, a decently productive day. Mostly I just needed to get out and couldn't think of anything better to do. Tomorrow I may head to central park and go get a sunburn before winter comes. I am dreading it, even though I know it won't be as bad in the city as it was at Bard. Fall is so short.
Sept. 11th is coming up this week, and it feels strange to be in a city so affected by it, and not really be a part of it. There is such a huge difference between those of us who watched it all happen on TV (and now movies...thanks Hollywood) and those who really lived the horror and lost loved ones and breathed in ash for weeks on end. There has been a lot of 5 year anniversary stuff going on here, and it reminds me of how particularly vulnerable NYC still is. I certainly don't feel safer now that we have pissed off everybody and their brothers. I mean, lets face it, nobody is going to crash a plane into Liberty, SC or Bard College (unless it is an accident of course).
On a much lighter note, I think I have a crush on Cesar Milan. Lets not get into the psychology of that.