Grrr...

I had a bad week. I guess it just started off rotten. Leah told me about Jarod which really knocked me flat even though I almost knew before she ever came. But worse was that I couldn't feel the pain of his death the way I thought I needed to. I had a few moments of release, but mostly I just felt cold and numb, like I was in an over air-conditioned room trying to sleep with nothing but a sheet to cover me up...restless and grouchy. It was much easier to feel with Leah beside me, partly because I feel the loss most strongly because of her place within it. And then my other life just came pouring back in. J and D called me at the train station and wanted me to come babysit because her parents had surprised them. And I've been irritated with them since. But I've always gotten like this with the people around me when I'm dealing with a loss...like I just want to throttle them and yell "would you stop complaining about the way your wine glass cabinets are designed and open your fucking eyes!" And S has been teething and cranky all week, and somewhere in the back of my mind I just wish that she'd show some sensitivity to my state of mind...which is ridiculous. Whenever I get frustrated with S and feel incompetent, it is never really about her, but about something her parents have done. I can totally deal with a cranky baby in a great way. Put when her parents are being obnoxious or unsupportive or distracted, I get irritated with their stuff and have a harder time handling S's more understandable troubles. (Don't worry...they can't read this...I did a google search and my blog doesn't come up in any obvious searches.) Something that has really gotten to me this week is the way that they hate to be at all inconvenienced or annoyed by S. Several times when S has been in the least bit cranky (she's usually angelic) during the two hours that they are up with her in the morning, they refuse to just deal. They'll just say "she's really tired," give her a bottle and plop her down in the crib to scream herself into exhaustion. I think parenting for normal people is not "perfectly enchanting" at least 50% of the time. Let's say for our average person, parenting is 10% perfectly enchanting, 30% banal, 30% tiring (in positive and negative ways), and 30% frustrating. Well, since these people have a full-time nanny (me), and confessed (only partially in just) that "we don't change our lifestyle for S," they expect parenting to be at least 70% perfectly enchanting, and once they've put up with the 30% other, they just can't handle it. I mean, S isn't exhausted and cranky 2 hours after her 12 hour sleep! She's just a normal baby who isn't totally wonderful and angelic 24/7. You can't just plop her down in a crib and let her wail pitifully just because you are bored. Whenever this happens, she's totally shaken up for the rest of the day, even if I sneak in after her parents leave and calm her down and put her to sleep properly. It DRIVES ME CRAZY!! Rant over. Well not quite. They've also asked me to babysit tonight in addition to last night, the excuse being that her parents are still in town (don't they have lives). J committed the most obnoxious sin yesterday when she read the slight annoyance on my face (open book), and said "Thanks for being so flexible with us, Maura." There is nothing I hate more than being thanked for something I didn't willingly give. Remember those teachers who would say (in sweet voices) "Thank you for being quiet" when everybody was loud. Oooo, I hated that.
Oh and the other thing (now that I'm on a roll) is her her parents. They have been here for the better part of a week and have spent less than 5 hours with S total. I mean, what is the point? They live 1000 miles away, but they don't bother to spend quality time with their only daughter's child when they are in the same city. They've been doing the whole socialite thing, visiting museums and going to parties. I mean, if I was living a thousand miles away and had a baby and my parents came to visit me for a week and didn't find it necessary to actually get to see my baby, I'd be heartbroken. Not that that would ever happen. In my case, I'd probably have to whine and fuss just to get to hold my own baby. They were the same way in aspen...only affectionate if it was convenient or there was nothing better to do. I guess it makes sense that J would be similar.
Okay, now I'm really done.
I'm off to go enjoy my weekend (what's left of it after I've slept most of the day away.