I've been missing in action for a few days, I know.
Shosha came home, which has been wonderful. For some reason, it feels like summer camp around here. I like my new little home, though I still might like to live in the camper. Despite still having no job (which is getting a little ridiculous), I feel more satisfied than I have been.
I have been having baby pangs again (as if they ever stop), but I'm sort of working through the psychology of that. The truth is, for the past 5 or 6 years of my life, I have had a baby or two to love. I can just list them all off: Haleigh, Cameron, Hamish, Jenny, Anna, Catherine, Franz, Kira, Eli, Stevie, Stephen, Madeleine. I have the caretaking gene. I always have. I'm your typical ultra-sensitive, middle child who wants to be able to fix everything and takes emotional responsibility for things that aren't hers. I think I have sort of transferred that persona into a kind of super-maternalism. And I think it is mostly positive. It doesn't feel like a crutch, even if it is difficult to be without it. I find a kind of peace and purpose in loving children, even if they are not my own. I find solace in the uninhibited closeness. I feel stronger and more alive in that kind of relationship. I have found joy in loving the little ones who have pranced into my story.
And working with very young children and babies, even though it isn't really what I want to "do" with my life, has been meaningful to me. I have not been restless or unsatisfied, which is no small feat. Maybe that is what is so scary about this phase of my life. I don't know what will come next, and I am afraid that it might not be meaningful. I may get this corporate real estate job for the summer and while, at this point, I am not in a position to turn down a job offer at Fuckrudders, I don't think I've ever done anything that I wasn't emotionally or intellectually invested in. Well, I take that back...I took those two classes at Clemson two summers ago. Totally pointless. And aside from the fact that I would love to be a part of the GS community again, I am terrified that if I don't get the job at GS, I'll have no choice but to settle for something utterly meaningless for the next year. The thought is almost enough to make me march myself back up to NYC and lay my heart down in the middle of Lexington Ave to be trampled again. Because I know that I can always get a job as a nanny there. Sometimes I think that maybe my heart would just stop minding so much...that leaving wouldn't hurt anymore. But that's stupid.
