I miss Stevie like crazy today. I want her here with me. I keep getting these depressing emails from D about how badly things are going and how J is claiming that Stevie has developed neurological problems since she started spending the night at D's place. I know it is just another one of her sick attempts to sabotage the case in anyway that she can, but I still worry about her. Hopefully Stevie is just oblivious to her mother's psychotic behavior and happy as a clam as usual. And hopefully soon she will just forget me. D left a message on my phone a week ago where Stevie just yelled into the phone. "Ma-ah! Ma-ah! Hi! Ma-ah! Hi!" He says she still goes into my room and says "Ma-ah!" That bothers me. I know that I had every reason in the world to come back home, but I need her to forget. I still have this awful image of our last day together, in Park Slope, after I had moved out. We played on the playground and she'd get really upset when I'd move out of her sight, which is so unlike her. And when I walked away, she just sat down on the ground and cried.
And sometimes I can't remember why I left. I forget the reasons that I knew this was best for me, or even the relief I found in the decision. Sometimes I feel so strong and determined to really take control of things in the wake of life's curve balls, but sometimes I just seem to drown in self-doubt.
This weekend was particularly hard because it was graduation up at Bard, and I really wanted to be able to be there. I said my goodbyes before I left NYC and have kept in touch reasonably well, but it just feels like I should have been there. Instead I am here...restless and unsure. I'm ready to get over this hump. I feel like I am close, but the last mile is proving to be the most difficult.
Whine Whine Whine (or whinge, if we were in UK)
