My littlest boyfriends...

My baby pangs are always so Stevie-oriented, but today I caught myself thinking about little Stephen and Eli. I was only with Stephen for about 6 weeks before being unceremoniously dumped out on the side of the road. Certainly my heart was guarded, or at least more guarded than it had been with Stevie. I had definitely lost my innocence. But it didn't mean that I didn't naturally bond with him during those weeks. I'm a total sucker for a squishy newborn, in fact, my nn for Stephen was Squinchy. He was actually a really good baby and he had the sweetest, most expressive face. Mostly I miss the closeness, his warm little body squinched up in the sling while we walked around the city. As unhappy as I was during those hard hard weeks, I enjoyed my time with him. But my feelings about Stephen are so wrapped up in my feelings toward his parents. I am still so angry at their cowardice and insensitivity and outright inhumanity towards me. I am so emotionally consumed by J and D's stuff, but I can just be unadulteratedly pissed off and stung about S and J. But it doesn't change the fact that I loved their child for a time.



My mother and Kayla both say that Stephen was funny-looking, but I just thought he was so adorable. He had these wonderful eyes.


"Tell me a story, bub."


And then there is Eli. I loved Eli so much, but leaving him was relatively easy. Eli's got the most wonderful parents. That makes all the difference in the world. Eli will be in good hands for the rest of his life. I always joked around that Geoff (as my project adviser) would have to give me an A or else I would kidnap Eli. There was a certain forced accountability involved in being Eli's sitter. I was there at the house twice a week. There was no chance at being elusive. I'd show up on Thursday to "So, Maura, I didn't get your chapter yesterday...what's going on?"

But Geoff and Sarah were just so wonderful to me during what turned out to be a very hard year. I sort of became family. And I got plenty of that grown-up interaction that I so crave. I get along well with my "peers," but I am just more engaged with adults in many ways. Geoff and Sarah were (and are) good friends to me.

And Eli was just a joy. I just had such a good time with him. It was so emotionally uncomplicated. I could just love him and enjoy him with no strings attached. And it was really amazing watching him grow. He was 3 months old when I started working and 13 months when I left. And it is strange because I just didn't really notice he had grown. When you are with a baby on a consistent basis, you just don't process the time that goes by. The toddler still feels and looks like the newborn. It's hard to explain.

Eli has the best eyelashes ever...he also had an oral fixation



My little Arm and Hammer man...



I've been giving it a lot of thought lately, and I can honestly say that I'm glad I made the kind of "work" choices that I did, even if it is causing me grief and inconvenience in many ways now. I had to work in college and instead of doing something that might look better on a resume, I did what I loved. I don't think you can ever regret loving and taking care of a child. It is such an emotionally validating thing. It feels so good to embrace the beauty of babyhood and childhood. For me, it's a really magical thing to be a part of. I've never gotten into my car after 8 hours with a child and said, "God, that was torture...what a waste of time." And even on the most dull of rainy days with Stevie, I never went to bed wishing I was somewhere else, and that surprised even me. I remember going up to Bard for a long weekend and getting restless by Sunday because I wanted to be back with her. That level of attachment has burned me, but I don't think it is wrong. In fact, I think is wonderful that I am able to give myself so completely to something. Being with Stevie was like being in the middle of writing a story. It's hard work and emotionally draining, but you are just so into it, so consumed with the doing of it, that you lose track of time. Nothing feels better.